Archer Hospital
by Red Witch
Summary: What happened after Season Seven ended? Well…


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer character is at the bottom of a pool. Takes place shortly after the events of the Season Seven season finale.**

 **Archer Hospital**

"I can't believe this is happening," Pam said in a soft voice. Most of the remaining members of the Figgis Agency were sitting in the hospital waiting room. Lana and Mallory were with the doctor.

"I can't believe Archer is **still alive** ," Ray said. "I mean, the man was shot three times in the gut and drowned in the pool. Anyone else…"

"Boy when Archer's dumb ass schemes get screwed up, they really get screwed up," Cyril remarked.

"Yeah but this time **he's** the one that got caught in it," Ray pointed out. "Instead of the rest of us. That's just karma."

"Exactly," Cyril nodded. "I'm not going to lie. It's about time he got what was coming to him. Karma's like a rubber band. You can only pull it so far until it smacks you in the face. Or in Archer's case, his stomach."

"I know you hate Archer's guts Cyril but…" Pam glared at him.

"But **what?** " Cyril snapped. "Face it Pam, it was a dumb plan even by Archer's standards!"

"It would have made more sense to get the **robot** shot first and then get the confession while disarming Veronica Deane!" Ray pointed out. "Or at the very least have a second gun."

"You're right damn it," Pam let out a breath. "Why would he take such a dumb ass risk?"

"Because he's Archer! **That's** why!" Cyril snapped. "The man is just too arrogant to listen to common sense."

"Well if he lives through this…" Pam began.

"He's just going to become even cockier than he is now," Cheryl scoffed. She was still wearing only a towel and had her cornrows.

" **If** he survives," Cyril corrected. "If is good…"

"If not I can just bring him back like I brought Katya back," Krieger shrugged. "So we're good either way."

"There is no way in hell you are turning Archer into a cyborg!" Cyril snapped.

"I get why Ms. Archer would say something like that but why **you?"** Pam asked.

"Isn't it **obvious**?" Cyril snapped. "I barely survived **human** Archer! Cyborg Archer would kill me!"

"And pretty much anyone else in his way," Ray admitted.

"Okay yeah I do see the problem with that," Pam winced. "Look I know Archer has been an asshole to all of us at one time or another but he's still our friend."

" **One time?"** Cyril snapped. "How about _all the time_?"

"I'm not going to lie," Ray said. "I am looking forward to some quiet time at work."

"Me too," Krieger shrugged.

"Me three," Cheryl agreed.

"And it will be nice to make the scotch last longer," Cyril admitted. "Not to mention no more of his stupid meetings."

"Okay I'll give you **that** one," Pam shrugged. "Seriously, why didn't he let the **robot** get shot first? And have a second gun to protect himself? Or better yet why did he give **a loaded gun** to Veronica Deane in the first place? Why not a fake gun with blanks?"

"And use dye packets to make it look like…" Krieger began. "I see where you're going with that."

" **Anyone else** would have done that," Ray added. "Anyone."

"I would have done that," Cheryl agreed. "It's just common sense."

"And that's **her** saying that," Pam pointed out. "I just don't get why he didn't **do that!"**

"Because Archer is completely clueless about his own mortality," Ray grumbled.

"More like in complete denial," Cyril said.

"Uh oh…" Pam noticed something. "Here they come. All of you dick nuts just be nice! And show some sympathy!"

"Oh why start **now?** " Mallory walked up to them with Lana.

"So?" Cyril asked as they all stood up. "How is he?"

"He's in a coma with several bullet wounds in his gut! How do you **think**?" Lana snapped.

"For how long?" Pam asked.

"They don't know," Lana sighed. "It's a miracle Archer is **still alive** let alone…"

"So Sterling's unconscious?" Mallory sniffed. "Just add a case of cobra whisky and some prostitutes of undetermined sexuality and that's basically his entire spring break in Thailand."

"If it was anybody but Archer, they'd be dead by now," Lana reasoned. "So…The odds of him coming out of it are…fifty-fifty?"

"It took only week for Ray to come out of his coma in the desert," Pam reasoned. "And he was paralyzed from the neck down, stabbed, and had massive internal bleeding."

"So if Cannonball Ray here could bounce back that fast," Mallory reasoned. "Then why not Sterling? I know him! He could wake up at any moment and be up and about…"

"Mallory!" Lana snapped. "Archer has brain damage!"

"Sterling's **always** been brain damaged," Mallory waved. "Maybe that's why he fit in with this lot so well?" She glared at the others.

"Hey! We're not the ones who screwed up the plan and didn't let the robot get shot first!" Cheryl snapped.

"She has a point," Ray admitted.

"In her head," Mallory grumbled. "But I have to admit I was wondering that myself. Why didn't he let the robot get shot first and **then** reveal himself? Not to mention why didn't he have a second gun? Or the first gun be filled with blanks and use dye packs? That makes no sense!"

"That's just what we were saying," Pam agreed.

"Sterling may have been a lot of things, but a great planner…Not…" Mallory tensed up. Then began to sob.

"Hey, hey Mallory don't worry," Cyril said. "I'm sure Archer will be fine. He always is."

"Oh don't pretend you're his best friend all of the sudden!" Mallory snarled. "I know you're secretly **glad** this happened! I know you're all filled with glee that Sterling is at death's door!"

"Technically being in a coma isn't at death's door," Krieger said. "Depending of course what kind of coma…"

"Oh shut up! And **you** …" Mallory pointed at Krieger. "Don't even come **near** my son you vulture! I know you're just lurking about, waiting for the opportunity to turn my baby into a robot!"

"Cyborg! Not robot! Big difference!" Krieger protested.

"Zip it!" Mallory hissed. "Stay away from my son or they'll find **your body** in the morgue! And while I'm on this tangent…Don't go **near** the morgue!"

"Aw man," Krieger pouted. "You never let me have any fun."

"Fun? **Fun?"** Mallory snarled. "Your stupid robots screwed everything up and my son is dying and you think that's _fun_?! Don't answer that!"

"Mallory calm down," Lana said.

"My baby boy is dying," Mallory sobbed.

"And you never told him how much you love him," Cheryl added. "And you'll spend the rest of your days with a huge empty hole in your heart. And guilt of never telling him. Never being there for him. Never…"

Mallory made a loud wail. "Cheryl," Ray glared at her. "I'm pretty sure we can strike off grief counselor as a possible career choice for you!"

"Ignore Cheryl is the New Brain Dead," Lana told Mallory. "Archer's pulled through tougher situations than this. I'm sure he will make it."

"I'm sure Archer will be fine," Cyril sighed. "So is he like breathing on his own? Or is he hooked up to something? Because if this is a plug situation…Let's be honest, would Archer really have **wanted** to live like that? I don't think so."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!" Mallory wailed.

" **Seriously?"** Ray snapped at Cyril.

"Inappropes!" Pam glared at Cyril. "Dick Nuts!"

"I'm just saying if it's a quality of life situation is it really fair to let Archer suffer?" Cyril asked. "On second thought if he **is** suffering…? Yeah let's keep him on."

"WAAAHHHHH!" Mallory wailed.

"Cyril," Lana glared at him. "I swear to God if you don't **shut up…"**

"Hey! Why are you mad at **me?** " Cyril spoke up. "I'm not the one who ratted on you to the cops! Remember? You almost faced a murder rap because of Archer!"

"Not to mention Veronica Deane and Shapiro," Pam added. "Those two hose bags have an ass whipping coming to 'em. And not the fun kind."

"That reminds me," Mallory said. "We need to do a revenge rampage against her."

"Definitely," Lana growled. "And Shapiro."

"Can I throw acid in her face?" Cheryl asked hopefully.

"If you behave yourself I may let you throw acid all over her body," Mallory said. "Except for her fingerprints. We need those intact if we want a reward."

"I'll be good!" Cheryl squealed. "Oh I thought of another thing about Archer being in a coma! Maybe we'll get some peace and quiet at the office for a change?"

"Just what is **that** supposed to mean?" Lana shouted.

"Uh it means for the past six months you and Archer have been bitching almost non-stop about Veronica Deane!" Cheryl snapped.

"Cheryl does have a point," Pam spoke up. "You two were constantly fighting over that bitch for the past six months."

"I wouldn't say…" Lana began. "Oh my god. We were fighting…"

"It was constantly Veronica Deane! Veronica Deane!" Cheryl mocked. "Baby. Veronica Deane. Baby. Veronica Deane. Insert random movie title. Veronica Deane. Best voicemail clip ever. Baby. Veronica Deane. Mind control experiments. Veronica Deane."

"Cheryl I think it's safe to say that whatever infatuation Archer had for Veronica Deane is **over** by now," Cyril groaned. "So again is Archer on some kind of ventilation or…?"

"Excuse me," Ray said to Lana as Mallory wailed. He then went over and slapped Cyril repeatedly with his non bionic hand.

"Ow! Ow! OW! OW!" Cyril whined.

"Now **shut it!"** Ray snapped. He slapped Cyril again. "Or I'll slap you with my bionic hand!"

"OW!" Cyril cried out.

"Thank you!" Lana rolled her eyes.

"Mallory?" Ron turned the corner. "Mallory!"

"Ron?" Mallory sniffed. "What are you doing here?"

"Pam called me and told me what happened," Ron came over to Mallory. "How's Sterling? Is he going to be all right?"

"He's in a coma," Lana sighed.

"Oh Ron…" Mallory wailed as she hugged him. "My baby…"

"My baby…" Lana realized. "I have to call my babysitter again…Excuse me…" Lana went off to make the call.

"Lana seems to be handling this well," Cyril remarked.

"That's because it hasn't fully hit her yet," Ray told them. "When it does…Damn it. I'd better stay with her tonight."

"Getting some grief banging?" Pam asked.

"Ewwww…" Ray winced.

"Oh right," Pam remembered. "You don't like vaginas. Hey I could…?"

"NO!" Everyone else said.

"Gillette I hate to say it," Mallory groaned as she pulled away from Ron. "But you're the only one I can trust to be with Lana. Cyril and Pam are out for obvious reasons. Krieger is out for extremely obvious reasons. And Carol is out of her damn little mind so…"

Mallory stopped. "Hang on. Pam how did you get Ron's number?"

"Uh…Well…" Pam began.

"We've had Ron's number for years," Cheryl snorted. "Why else would we also have keys to your apartments?"

"Wait why would you have **keys** to my New York apartment?" Mallory shouted.

"And your house here," Cheryl added.

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"In case of emergencies," Ron said quickly.

"You mean an emergency…?" Cheryl began.

"Cheryl! Shut it!" Ray snapped. "And put some damn clothes on!"

"Make me!" Cheryl snapped. "Sex. Emergency sex."

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"Oh no…" Cyril groaned.

"Here we go…" Ray groaned.

"What exactly do you mean by **that?"** Mallory glared at Cheryl.

"Uh because we had sex with him?" Cheryl casually rolled her eyes. "Remember? During your open marriage phase?"

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted. "You never told me that!"

"Oh boy…" Ron groaned.

"Technically he was more of a lookie-loo during our threesome," Pam spoke up.

"That does **not help** Pam!" Ron groaned.

"You bastard!" Mallory glared at Ron.

"What do **you** care?" Pam snapped. "You had sex with me too remember?"

"WHAT?" Ron shouted. "You never told me **that!"**

"Oh right…" Mallory winced. "I forgot. But not during our open marriage! I didn't even **know you** when that happened! And since it was a threesome technically…"

"Stop right there please," Ray winced.

"That's what she said," Pam grinned. "On my…"

"Pam unless you want a slappin' too you will **not** finish that sentence!" Ray warned.

"Ti…" Pam began when she saw Ray raise his bionic hand. "Honor. On my honor."

"Since when do **you** have any honor?" Cheryl scoffed.

"Hang on!" Ron barked at Mallory. "You had a threesome with Pam **too**? And you didn't **tell me?"**

"That's different!" Mallory waved. "That was way before we met! I only did it to satisfy an investor in my agency! And I didn't have sex with Carol!"

"Like I'd have sex with a dried up prune like…" Cheryl began.

With a screech that would put a vulture to shame Mallory pounced on Cheryl and started to choke her. Cyril, Pam and Ray tried to pull them apart. Ron started yelling at Mallory to stop. Cheryl squealed with glee. Even when her towel fell off. Krieger just stood there happily taping the incident with his phone.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON **NOW?** " Lana shouted as she came back.

They all stopped what they were doing. "Hello…" Cyril gulped.

"I can't leave you idiots alone for a **minute** can I?" Lana shouted. "How can you **do** this to me? Archer is in a coma and…And…And…" She started to tear up. "No…No! I am **not** going to cry now! I am not going to cry…"

"Lana it's okay," Cyril hugged her. "It's okay! You can cry. Let it out."

"God damn it Archer!" Lana started to cry. "Why the hell did that asshole **do this**? I mean…"

"I know. I know…You two are still technically on a break right?" Cyril asked.

"Get the hell **off me!"** Lana shoved Cyril away.

"Seriously Cyril?" Pam shouted. "You have to be this clingy little bitch **right now?"**

"As opposed to this withered old bitch who is losing both her son and her husband…" Cheryl cheerfully chirped. Not even bothering to cover up her nudity.

"THAT'S IT!" Mallory shouted.

"I AM GOING TO BEAT YOUR ASS!" Both Lana and Mallory shouted to Cyril and Cheryl respectively. Both started attacking their respective targets.

"Lana! No!" Pam shouted. "Let me help you!" She started to wail on Cyril too.

"No! No! Ms. Archer!" Ray ran to restrain Mallory.

"LET ME KILL HER!" Mallory screamed as she choked Cheryl. "It's not like she's going to be missed!"

"Don't kill her!" Ray shouted. "Think of the money!"

"WHO CARES ABOUT THE DAMN MONEY! MONEY ISN'T IMPORTANT!" Mallory shouted.

She then stopped. "Did I really just **say** that?"

"OW! OW! OW! OW!" Cyril yelled as Lana and Pam slapped him.

Krieger held up his phone. "This is **great!** " He grinned. "Let me just move back to get a better shot. Moving back…Moving back…Moving…" He then turned a corner and ran off.

"KRIEGER DON'T EVEN **THINK** ABOUT GOING TO THE MORGUE!" Ray shouted. "KRIEGER COME BACK HERE!" He ran after him. "PAM! COVER ME!"

"Oh fine!" Pam groaned and went from attacking Cyril to trying to stop Mallory from attacking Cheryl.

"Every time…" Ron groaned as he stood to the side. "Every **single time!"**

"SPLOOSH!" Cheryl squealed.

"Somebody call security!" A nurse shouted.

"Here we go," Ron groaned.

"What is wrong with **those people?"** The nurse said as some orderlies ran in to break up the fight. "This is a hospital! People are sick here!"

"They're sick all right," Ron groaned. "In the **head!** "


End file.
